One of the main thing that always makes me want to leave the blogosphere and take a break from it is jealousy.
Every time I come back to this internet space, I always remember why I leave in the first place. Because I feel inadequate; my stats, the number of books I own, how much I post, how little I reply to comments, the small number of books I read.
I feel jealous of people who don’t have these struggles(or it seems they don’t)! And it tears me apart and makes me want to take a hiatus FOREVER.
Sometimes I don’t even care about where everyone else is progressing to and focus on enjoying posting on my blog which is great! But it can be very easy to slip into envy quickly and become super bitter about a lot of things and so, today, I’m exposing my annoying and whiny self. 🙈☕☕
money to buy books
I probably ramble about not having THAT much money to spend on books too frequently – Y’all are probably annoyed by now. But it’s true – I‘m a teen so I can’t really get a job and therefore my only way to get books is as a gift, from my library, ask my parents to buy one for me or ARCs.
LIBRARY: Now, don’t get me wrong, my library is generally okay with new releases and YA! They will have some great books I don’t even expect to be there..and I’m proud of them,,, sometimes? But they also don’t have a LOT of the books I want to read – and so I don’t get the opportunity to read releases I’m SO HAPPY AND EXCITED ABOUT!!
PURCHASING BOOKS: Honestly, I get about 5 books per year as gifts/from money gifts (?) and then I’ll ask my parents to buy books very little because I feel guilty about it. However, I will buy books under £3 from a charity shop because the money’s going to a good cause and cheap books? (But the charity shop I go to has like 1 YA book in there so this is rare)
ARCS: This is my main way of getting new releases that I want to read! I’m so thankful to Netgally and Publishers for sending me books I want. Of course, some books I’m not accepted for, are not published in the UK or ARCs aren’t being printed for them!
As our community is based around book hauls, consumerism, reading new releases and being materialistic – it’s hard not to feel left out sometimes! I’m on book group chats or DMing friends and they can just say “Oh I’ll order that book now!” without a second thought!! And it’s hard not to envy how they can literally read quite a few of the new releases/books they want to!
And I know I’m just seeing what people portray to me – maybe they really are struggling with money but they’re good at hiding it? Of course, I don’t know everyone’s financial situation and it could be the case of people only showing the best bits of their life. (Apparently, there was one booktuber who survived on like noodles or something so she could buy hardcover books weekly? that’s like,,,woah)
But with booktuber videos where people haul 20 books in a month, where they can do a “3 minute book shopping challenge” and just BUY BOOKS THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW THEY’LL LIKE, where people can support the author by buying a book even if they already have an ARC, where people will make jokes about just being able to “accidentally” buy books, where people will have the privilege to even have a “book buying ban” when I’m always on one – it’s kinda difficult.
It’s just the ease of people being able to pre-order anticipated releases, and people just ordering book boxes – being able to pay for all this stuff – and there’s me and I feel distant. How comes all these people are so rich and I’M NOT?! (spoiler: this is how the world works)
Jealousy of people buying books has always been something I struggle with? I TRY not to be materialistic, but when releases that have representation I CRAVE or there’s a book I know I want to read (for e.g The Gilded Wolves) and I have no way of getting it – I get a little jealous! Okay, a lot! And it’s the worst?? And makes me really dislike the book blogging community sometimes even though it’s not entirely at fault (I wish we weren’t so materialistic though, me included)
statistics + fame
I feel jealous of other people’s followings, comments and likes. It’s really stupid because I feel this towards a lot of the blogs I follow. I just feel like everyone is doing BETTER than me, and that no matter how much hard work I put in no one will ever genuinely care about my blog. I just don’t feel appreciated sometimes (even though I AM. over and over again.) I feel like I never get enough comments or responses to tweets and I wish I could achieve what other people are??
Meanwhile, everyone else is effortlessly posting wonderful posts and getting more comments than I can even imagine!
This is the most illogical thing because 1) statistics don’t matter ALL that much, 2) I don’t see all the work those bloggers put in and they DESERVE those stats and 3) i have quite good stats! I just, sometimes feel like I don’t get enough (and it true: people get much higher views on average than me) but then i remember I only post once a week so of course, my stats are lower??
yikes yikes yikes
i don’t think I’ve ever talked about this before, and i’m probably going to sound whiny and annoying (more than i usually do) but here goes! anything for the content! disclaimer: I will now begin to be whiny and annoying!
i feel like i have no close blogging friends anymore. in 2017 and maybe the beginning of 2018, i had quite a few close friends and was always meeting new people online and DMing back, doing collabs and just, in general, talking to lots of people and getting along with them? and it was great?
and then during the last of half of 2018 especially, i began to slip into the phase where i had no energy to text anyone back, be on social media, write blog posts or just do!! anything!! online!! and i stopped talking to people i had been close to for so long and it sucked but also i was in such a bad online slump(?) that i just couldn’t bring myself to CARE. i just genuinely wanted to isolate myself!!! from everyone!!
and now in 2019, i’m back with my blogging mojo and i’m ready to genuinely have conversations with people but it’s just not as simple as that? i feel weird and alien, and i just see on twitter and other places all these people having such AWESOME group chats, friendships and banter – and i feel like I don’t have that with anyone anymore because I can’t just neglect a friendship and then expect everyone to just fall back into what I had before with them.
and it sucks it sucks it sucks.
i know i probably just sound really jealous and stupid (!!) but i just wish i hadn’t ignored people last year so much and i wish i was just better at being an internet person! and i just miss talking to so many people on here but i just don’t know to be a person anymore.
not being in the US
Let’s get this straight; i do not want to live in America. I genuinely quite like living in the UK, i just wish I had the advantages of living there because publishing is so (generally) US-CENTRIC and that means you can get so many ARCs. And obviously you still have to work hard for them, but a lot of giveaways are US only, and I got an email yesterday saying I could’ve got an ARC but because I lived in the UK and not the US, I couldn’t.
Also, all the good book fests happen there! And I know I’m privileged to be in the UK because we also have a lot of YA published here and we have YALC but Bookcon is WAY bigger than YALC (i think).
And let’s be real, UK YA is so not diverse (but that’s a whole other post)|
I don’t necessarily feel jealous os US people, i just wish I could enter all those giveaways, or get the ARCs I want! And I already realise that I have it better than most INTL folk who can’t get much and have little access to books! I appreciate that fact so much and I still am very grateful for my location being London!!
I’d like to add that I LOVE the community and am usually, very happy with being here and being supported so much!
I have found my blogging groove and generally, enjoy posting loads. These are just some insecurities I feel sometimes that I wanted to address – I don’t necessarily want advice because I know I shouldn’t be jealous of these things and I’m working on it myself!
There are still more things I’m salty about – like how I’m supposed to keep up with reading when I have school and can’t read that much. and I’m envious of how much time some people seem to have!
But tell me – do you feel jealous of other people in the community? Do you think the book blogging world is materialistic? Or are you a proud queen who doesn’t feel jealousy because you’re too awesome? Let me know by commenting!
Also here are some posts that I REALLY like that kind of talk about what I discuss in this post! All three of them are really good and sum up a lot of my thoughts so please read them!!