(this was written on the last day of 2020 and i only now had the energy to post it)
Long time, no see.
I feel so out of practice writing this but this also feels strangely comforting. I’m not entirely sure where to start with this post.
The pandemic. My deteriorating mental stability. My lack of posts. The fact that its nearly 2021, and I felt like I achieved nothing this year.
Damn, this year has been such a clusterfuck. It feels like January-March were centuries ago and March-September was one long blurred week where I did nothing and felt at peace and had no direction on what to do. And September to December… I’ve had to navigate so many new feelings and emotions and have learnt so much about life – in perhaps the worst way. I won’t pretend I have it the worst when it comes to covid, in fact i’m in a very privileged position and i’m very grateful for that, but this post isn’t really about disclaimers.
I don’t mean to sound so depressing – but I’m at a new school, in sixth form, and there are many reasons why that has been kinda difficult for me to to navigate. I have made no friends over these four months and I feel like I lack a routine. I hardly ever see my friends from secondary, and I feel like everyone else in life is moving forward while I’m stuck.
To be honest, this was going to be (and might be) my last post on this blog, saying goodbye to blogging. I think to still decide whether I’m officially quitting blogging is seeing if I get out of this mental rut I am in – and see whether I still want to quit. I want to know if my decision to stop blogging is not influenced by general negativity towards all things nowadays. [update: i don’t think i will be quitting blogging for now]
End of year posts usually excite me, yet I find I have no motivation to draft pie charts and “best and worst books of 2020!” posts. Like hypothetically, I want to write those posts but blogging and reading are the furthest thing from my mind lately.
I cannot pretend enthusiasm in my posts, which is why I think I haven’t been writing at all – I don’t want my blog to feel like a place that is plagued with negativity and it is too hard to draft a post about reading fiction when I don’t feel a love for it anymore – and don’t feel eager to talk about my own life either.
I’m not sure the last time I did one of these but these are books I have acquired recently.
You Deserve Each Other // The Jungle Book //These Violent Delights // Conversations with Friends // Sweet Dark // A second copy of Pride & Prejudice // Sense & Sensibility // Shatter Me series (not pictured) //
what I’ve been reading:
If i’m honest, I have lost my love for reading after October. I still enjoy reading when I eventually do decide to read but find myself easily distracted by my thoughts and end up doing something else. I think I will return to reading at some point next year – I’m just not sure when that will be. However since my last update (july) I have read some books.
- The Trouble With Hating You by Sajni Patel // i didn’t hate this and i thought some parts were cute but liya is such a frustrating character, and jay seems kinda unrealistic at some points, and the characters were both SO extreme?? [full review]
- Love Aubrey by Suzanne LaFleur // This was a re-read for nostalgiathon, and it reminded me a lot of my childhood. This was the first book I cried over!
- Tweet Cute by Emma Lorde // I spent a whole day reading this and ended up very disappointed. [full review]
- Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief by Rick Riadoran // This was very enjoyable, I lov Percy and Annabeth [full review]
- The Poppy War by R.F Kuang // I’ve been meaning to read this forever and so glad I finally picked it up. This was extremely well written and I live for Rin and Nezha’s dynamic. [full review]
- The Wrath and The Dawn by Renee Adieh // This book had a lot of potential and while I enjoyed it for the most part it definitely wasn’t perfect. [full review]
- Rent A Boyfriend by Gloria Chao // i found this was super cute at first (fake dating!) but it soon became repetitive and dry. [full review]
- First & Then by Emma Mills // alright.
- Get a Life Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert // I expected this to be at least a 4 stars with the praise everyone else gives this book, but I found myself not very emotionally invested. The ending felt rushed, also. [full review]
school & life:
As I said I’m at sixth form now and am surrounded by people I don’t know. I’m doing Computer Science (which I regret taking), Maths (which I very much enjoy!) and English Literature (which I also adore – books: death of a salesman, the handmaid’s tale, the kite runner and othello) I really and truly miss the ease of secondary school. My learning for sixth form is a mix between 3 hour physical lessons and (aprox) 2 hour zoom calls.
I’m fortunate enough to still have physical lessons but I can’t lie and say that sixth form hasn’t been the most difficult period of my life. It’s not even necessarily the stress of a-levels but the lack of support I feel in my environment, the loneliness and isolation I feel in my situation, and my sudden lack of confidence. I’ve never felt like less of myself these past few months.
I find myself escaping into reading mutli-chapter fanfictions, listening to music every second of the day, watching one direction interviews and concerts, and reading back on my old prose and writing and missing the motivation and life I had then.
In some ways this feels depressing, and I do hope to write some posts soon – maybe in a few months or maybe sooner than that. There are so many books I’m very excited to read but unsure when I’ll read them.
If you want follow me on Goodreads and Twitter. I’m a little more active there! I love you all, and hope the new year brings us all well-deserved happiness 😉