i’m back!

welcome to my 100th post! (this post a mess and my writing voice is all over the place and what is grammar and coherency?? i don’t know. please excuse me writing posts is so foreign! and also i’ve kinda stopped holding my blog to this high standard and just let myself write half-formed sentences and cringe thoughts. so get used to it!!)

It has simply been too long since I’ve sat down to actually write a blog post (i wrote most of this recent post a long time ago and edited it a few days ago to publish it)

I can’t believe it’s taken a global pandemic to bring me back to blogging…not that i don’t love it! I just know I wouldn’t have posted if it wasn’t for the social distancing we’re all doing! I feel like I have so much to talk about so I’m going to split this up into sections.

🌻school🌻

So, to break this down quickly, this was my last year of secondary, meaning the last year of 5 years with people I have grown up with since I was like 12…! And of course, I knew that i’d be leaving these people soon and going to sixth form, where I would be with a whole new set of people, and in a new school and environment. But I thought I had at least 3 more months with my friends before the end of the year, before we said goodbye to our secondary years. 

Due to Covid-19, all schools in the UK were shut down until further notice. From what it looks like, this school year over. For other years, of course, they can continue with virtual learning. But for year 11s, me, its all over, and so quickly. What this means

• My GCSES were cancelled. I have been preparing for these exams for THREE years!! I have worked so, so hard. 
• We still need grades to get into sixth form, so the process is going to be a teacher submits a grade for you and the exam board reviews it.
• Reasons why this is terrible? Even if I get the best grade, I won’t feel like I deserved it. I never actually sat the exam! And I know I sound like such a nerd, but I really did want to sit those exams and prove to myself that I could achieve. And now I’ve been robbed of it and it feels so, so unfair. 
• I might not get the grade I want and have the option to take an exam in autumn but I won’t know my grade till the end of July…? So I’d only have like a month to prepare for that exam, and I have no idea if I’ll be motivated.

Basically the entire process is so messy and of course I know, there’s nothing no one can do. No one expected a global pandemic. And it’s just so so sad. That my exams are cancelled. That I had to say goodbye to my friends, and had my last day of school. That Monday, I had no idea it’d be my last Monday in school. By Friday, I had my last day of school with my friends. We signed shirts and took pictures and it was a great day!! But it felt rushed and cheap, and I’m so so sad that everything happened at such short notice.

So yeah!! I was incredibly sad for a few days but now I’ve just got used to it? I still video-call with my friends and we text a lot but its not the same. 

🌻writing🌻

So I am doing Camp Nano! I would like to continue with this excitement but for the past like 5 days I have written practically nothing. For the first week I was going SO strong. I was writing 1000+ words a day (on track to reach my 30,000 word count goal) and now? I just don’t feel motivated and have lost all my inspiration! I’m desperately trying to get back into writing but I can’t and it sucks. Right now, I’m on 8000 words and it doesn’t seem like it will be increasing any time soon! 

I don’t really feel like talking about what I’m writing. It’s basically the same project from this post (that was like 1+ years ago) but everything’s changed a lot apart from the characters (Amber no long exists tho…oops) nevertheless, I was very excited to write this (and to be honest, the entire concept is one I’m so so proud of) But here’s a very bad and rushed aesthetic? #themonsterwip

🌻reading🌻

Okay but for real! Of course I have been reading! But just not as much as you would think with all this free time I have (seriously I have no obligations to do anything these days.) 

• The Girls by Emma Cline // This was a book I picked up on the whim and I actually really loved it? The atmosphere was really vivid (and I love that in books) and it was just insanely fucked up…and maybe that’s why i was so into it! It feels very plotless at points but I had so much fun getting invested in this weird cult and murder book?
• Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of The Universe // I’m not even going to say anything? This is my fourth read of this book and everytime I end up loving it more? Of course, I cried. Of course, this is still my favourite book of all time.
• The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern // This was one of my most anticipated reads ever and first can I say, owning this book makes me so happy. It’s so large and beautiful!! The cover is breathtaking! And so is the inside. The writing style in this is gorgeous and I loved being transported to another world.
• Imagine Me by Tahereh Mafi // The finale!! It wasn’t perfect, a disclaimer. I still love the original trilogy so much more than this new one. But! I’m reminded of how much I love these characters. I laughed out loud at so many points and also was physically screaming towards the end. 

I’m currently reading (well, listening to the audiobook) The King of Crows by Libba Bray which is another finale (to the Diviners Series) and i’m enjoying it so far!! I can’t really say anything about it because of spoilers though.

🌻life🌻

I feel like talking about Covid-19 but I feel like there’s no escape from talking about it so I won’t. You’ll have heard everything I say about it before so there’s no point?

i rewatched some of my favourite movies – bridge to terabithia and the perks of being a wallflower and i cried both times!! gotta love emotional fragility.

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My sleep schedule has gone down the drain, I spend most of my days being aimless, I’ve tried to work out some days (nothing too intense) and like sitting in the garden and soaking in the sun and eating watermelons. Oh and music! I’ve been listening to a lot of music.  You can find my spotify here. Oh and I also wrote a letter to future me (in 5 years) on this website and it was a lot of fun!! The future is crazy to think about.

I love you guys so much!! I’m so glad to be back and hear about you’re all doing in these wild times in the comments ❤ ❤ (also if you have any show/movie recommendations, pls drop them blow)

ilsa